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Solo Sabbatical

6 The lunge

the-lungeAnyone that is single and looking for a quick fix solution to getting off the shelf should consider the lunge. It probably won’t bring about a permanent result, but you could get a night of passion out of it if it’s done right.
For those of you who are puzzling over what the lunge is, I will explain. Contrary to what you might think, it’s nothing to do with yoga, weight training or fencing. Not in this context anyway. Just as the verb lunge means ‘to move with an abrupt thrust’, when it comes to romance and the like, lunging means more or less the same thing. To put it more crassly, lunging is all about lobbing the gob.
I actually went out with a guy years ago who was very good at this kind of thing. Sober he was Pat, a pillar of society with a heart of gold. After a few pints, however, he became Paddy Lunge – that really was his nickname – because of his habit of going in for the kill with unsuspecting women. Of course the fact that I had a relationship of sorts with him means that I too was a victim of this lobbing, and a willing one at that.
“I’m not a fan of the lob the gob method and I always evade when it’s tried on me, even back in my teenage cider-drinking local disco days,” said Barbara, who is 28 and single. “I’m socially awkward and fearful of public displays of affection at the best of times so I can’t be doing with all that.
“But I do think most people are fine with it. It’s sort of expected when two people of the opposite (or same) sex are chatting in a pub or club,, which I don’t get at all. To me it’s uncivilised. You’re having a perfectly nice conversation with a stranger and the next thing they’re lunging in at head butt speed – it’s like, how desperate are you for someone else’s saliva in your mouth right this minute? And what exactly are you getting out of it?”
According to 32-year-old James, who has been dating someone for a few weeks, but is reluctant to say he is in a relationship, lunging is generally a drunken action.
“I mean, come on. Who in their right mind would lunge sober? I’ve definitely lunged in my day, but only when I was totally locked. It worked – most of the time anyway – but I never got anything long term out of it. It was usually just a one night stand. I’ve had the odd girl lunge and me once or twice as well – and I didn’t object!”
“When I was 16 I did it,” said Christine, who is 30 and single. “Success all around from what I remember. But I had a more negative experience recently when a guy asked me if I had fake eyelashes on. When I explained that no, they were my real ones, he feigned surprise and told me to close my eyes so he could get a better luck. Next thing, lunge! Not good!”
Sorcha 28, reckons it was always a successful strategy, but back in the days of teenage heaven. “We were all brazen at that age, but maybe not so much anymore.”
Although judging by Gemma’s story, brave folk still exist out there. Also 28, Gemma is what I would refer to as ‘newly not single’. In other words, she is in the throes of a new romance. It’s still novel enough to have loads of sparks, but just old enough to be legally referred to as a relationship. But here is the best bit. Gemma would not now be one half of a couple were it not for the fact that Ed lunged.
“He lobbed the gob in a club in town,”she explained. “I kind of stumbled backwards, but only because all his friends were there and I didn’t want them to see. I backed into someone who was standing behind and I nearly knocked him over.
“But I didn’t mind being lunged at by Ed, because I liked him. It was just more the shame of it – it was at the bar in full view of everyone.”
Still, Gemma and Ed are happily attached to each other now, so perhaps it would pay to take a leaf out of Ed’s book. “Now I’ve not always been happy to be at the receiving end of a lunge,” said Gemma. “In Australia I fell into a bush near one of the pubs as this guy came at me and I was backing away! He was horrific. I was trying to be nice about it, but at the same time I didn’t want him near me.”
It figures. According to Wikipedia, in the recreational sense the lunge is the traditional Australian method for approaching women. Let that be a warning to all you ladies who are planning to escape the recession by decamping to Oz. You’ll not be off the plane before the local lads are lobbing the gob en masse!

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