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Solo Tabloid Tales

Holy Hollywood

Clay Aiken has come out of the closet. Dear God. Snore. This is about as uninteresting as it gets, and why, oh why there was a media furore over the revelation we’ll never know. While E! News was like a breathless teenager passing the gossip onto viewers, we just thought, so what? First off, so what that he’s gay? Everyone already knew that, even if he is a new dad. (So is Ricky Martin). And, again, so what? It’s Clay Aiken. He is so boring there is no word for the tedium he inspires. In fact, the best thing you can say about Clay Aiken is that he once shared a TV screen with Simon Cowell, who is looking as hot as ever on the new series of The X Factor. There they all are – Louis Walsh and co – and no matter how pretty Cheryl Cole is, well, they just all pale beside the lovely Simon. He might have a bit of a dodgy dress sense and an odd hair style, but you can’t beat the strange sex appeal of Mr Cowell, who, incidentally, was recently singing the praises of Britney Spears following the announcement that she will make a guest appearance later this year on the aforementioned X Factor.
“The fact that she goes a bit crazy occasionally makes her more interesting,” said fab Simon. “And, if she wants to shave her head before she comes on the show, she’s welcome to. I don’t care.”
See? He’s just like us. He finds these celebrities much, MUCH more alluring when they’ve got a little bit of an edge or two. Or three.
Take someone like that Anne Hathaway. She was always a too sweet to be wholesome, but when her Italian boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested in June on fraud charges she became almost purer than the driven snow. No sooner had the bad press hit the new stands than Hathaway quickly distanced herself from her now ex – a move that just screamed of ‘damage limitation’. So much for four years eh? She promptly went on an extensive promotional trip for her upcoming movies Get Smart and Rachel Getting Married and has since been gaining headlines for drip feeding the tabloids with little pearls of wisdom like: “Everything that has happened to me, good and bad, I feel has happened for a reason. I’ve been made stronger from the good stuff and much, much stronger from the bad stuff.” Don’t you just hate when Hollywood’s finest make meandering, ‘profound’ statements that are sort of related to something personal but entirely vague at the same time? Shut up Anne. You would be a lot more attractive, ie human, if your break-up with the would-be convict was not quite so publicly clean-cut.
Of course clean-cut is the only way the stars think they will cut it these days. Look at young Miley Cyrus. What is she – 15? And she nearly lost it all when she had the nerve to do a sexy Vanity Fair shoot a few months ago. She’s back to her Sunday best these days with the rumour that she may or may not have a new boyfriend in the form of Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, whose suspected status as Miley’s guy was publicised after he was seen going to church in Pasadena with the whole Cyrus family. Sweet Lord. Literally. Talk about a carefully engineered paparazzi stunt. Of course it’s the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton that has younger Hollywood playing it so safe. None of them want to end up with DUI convictions or, God forbid, in jail (remember Paris wailing en route to the slammer?), so they’re gone the opposite direction and trying to paint themselves in a holier than thou light. Not gonna work guys. Britney once claimed to be planning to remain a virgin ’til she got married – and look what happened to her.
Finally, on the subject of Ms Hilton. Oh dear. Her recent vow to stand by the winner of her new reality TV show My New BFF, insisting they’re ‘really friends’ is just beyond, BEYOND ridiculous. It says a lot for her intelligence that she’s even spouting this crap.
“The person who won is now my best friend. We hang out. Yeah, we’re really friends. We’ve been having barbeques and hanging out at the house. The winner and I have been pretty low-key so far, because it is top secret right now.”
And if you believe that, well – you’ll believe just anything. You may as well start socialising with Robbie Williams, who, apparently, has developed a rather unhealthy interest in UFOs.

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