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Solo Tabloid Tales

Bin the trash

This month it’s all about trash. Apparently Kate Moss met up with king of trash TV himself, Gerry Springer, to talk about her intense rage towards Sienna Miller since the latter dumped Rhys Ifans. Wouldn’t we have just loved to be a fly in wall for that apparent encounter? Pity they didn’t go on one of his shows though – that would have been too entertaining for words.
But back to the trash topic. Next up is – you’ve guessed it – Kerry Katona. At the risk of sounding judgmental – what the hell is wrong with her? She was bad enough on her reality TV show (which, incidentally, is returning for another series), but her ‘column’ in OK! magazine just takes the biscuit. First of all, she had a go at Amy Winehouse’s jailbird husband Blake Fielder-Civil for recently filming his wife while she was high on drugs and singing racist chants
“Amy Winehouse’s racist chant was shocking,’ said Kerry. “But what is more shocking is that rat of a disgusting husband of hers! She shouldn’t have sung that song but her scummy husband was filming it after he swore on her life that he wasn’t.”
Mmm. The notion of La Katona calling anyone’s hubby a rat is, well, beyond astonishing. But her rants didn’t end there. Next up for a spot of criticism was Ulrika Jonsson, who recently gave birth to a son she called Malcolm. And Kezza is worried that little Malcolm might get bullied in school because of his name
“Now I like old fashioned names,” she insisted, “but I have to say that Malcolm is not one of my favourites. It’s quite a nerdy name. Let’s hope the other kids aren’t mean to him when he goes to school.”
Again – mmm. Kerry recently gave birth herself. To a son. And she called him Maxwell. Malcolm? Maxwell? They’re hardly that different. And oh, if only Kerry had stopped there. But no, she had to keep throwing her thoughts at us. Poor Charlotte Church was next in the firing line. Alright, so the ‘voice of an angel’ is preggars after only giving birth to baby Ruby a wet week (or so) ago, but it’s not like she killed anyone is it?
“Charlotte Church is pregnant again, which means she’s pregnant twice in one year – and I thought I was bad!” Kerry exclaimed this time – via OK! of course. “I only left it 11 months between Heidi and Max but my opinion is it’s too soon for her. You want to enjoy your first and learn how to be a mum.”
Let’s call a spade a spade here. Kerry Katona wants Charlotte Church to learn how to be a mum. We want Kerry to learn how to shut up. Especially since she has reportedly been recently given a bankruptcy reprieve. Given her own problems – both financial and personal – she might just be better off concentrating on that stuff rather than waxing lyrical on the trials and tribulations of others.
But anyway, back to the trash theme. Not that we veered off it or anything. Perhaps someone who is really embracing the notion of cheap and white and trash is Denise Richards. The former Bond girl has also gone down the reality TV show route – just to show the world that there is another side to her, naturally. ‘Tis what they all say when they sign up for this nonsense. In any case, Denise Richards: It’s Complicated surpasses all expectations when it comes to rubbish. The same woman might not even be much of a so-called celebrity these days but for the fact that she married/divorced Charlie Sheen and is now having a very public battle with him regarding their kids and who is going to get better press. She is losing by the way, not least because she felt the need to recently tell everyone that the little ones are seeing a shrink as a result of the ongoing battle. Lovely.
“My kids are in therapy,” she announced. “It’s very sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. If I can help anyone feel better about their kids being in therapy then something else good has come of this, too.”
One might even call her charitable. And then there’s the fact that she is still trying to convince her audience that when she dated her old friend Heather Locklear’s ex, Bon Jovi’s Richie Sambora, she and Heather were no longer buddies and it was all above board. Heather, in the meantime, has checked into a ‘facility’ for depression and anxiety issues. Has anyone not made the connection? Is it not possible that she had the misfortune to tune into Denise’s show, a move that sent her spinning into some sort of emotional turmoil? Denise Richards: It’s A Pile of Shite more like. Mind you, we can’t decide if it’s worse than Living Lohan – another ‘fly in the wall’ look at the life of a celebrity family, except this time it’s all about the Lohans and there’s not a sign of Lindsay. So effectively there is nobody famous in it, unless you count little sis Ali, who aspires to be a star and mother Dina, who aspires to be something. We’re not sure what, but she’s certainly is nurturing some sort of deranged ambition. Still, if Living Lohan does nothing else, it explains to us why Li-Lo was in rehab three times in succession.

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